I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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