I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
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you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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