mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
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Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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