well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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