direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
