GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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