wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
