Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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