Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
