I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
