Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
