his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
