I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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