So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
