In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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