There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
