I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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