I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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