Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
