My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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