Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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