Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
