I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
