i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
A bitchslap is in order.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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