8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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