her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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