Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
