toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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