Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
