Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
