If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
