She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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