Me too!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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