Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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