as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
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I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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