We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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