I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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