I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
