I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
