my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
