We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
