Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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