is your mom at the bar?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
