ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
