Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
