I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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