i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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