It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
