out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
why is half of my head shaved?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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