an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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