I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
