you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
