nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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