She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
