wrigley field is MILF paradise
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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