my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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