Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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