Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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